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Question: The Man I'm About To Marry Is A Pot Head. Should I Go Ahead With The Wedding Or Walk Away Before It's Too Late?
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I just recently got engaged to a wonderful man who happens to smoke pot on a fairly regular basis. He knows I don't like it, and actually smokes less than he used to because of my beliefs, but he still can't seem to give it up completely. I love him, but can I actually marry a pot head? What about our children we'll have one day? The only thing he and I ever seem to disagree on is marijuana. Should I marry him with or without the pot -- or walk away?
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Answer #1
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When you are ready to have children, NO QUESTIONS ASKED, HE HAS TO QUIT. If you know now that he wouldn't quit when you are both trying to conceive, then sadly enough, walk away now! The pain will only get worse if you marry him and have to divorce.
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Answer #2
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Interesting question, madam. And this is especially appropriate because I'm ironically on the other side of the fence. I'm a 25-year old male engaged to an adorable, wonderful 25-year old girl who is in your exact position, and presumably I'm in your boyfriend's. She hates marijuana (and still has yet to articulate 'why'), and I tend to go near it just about every day, albeit after all daily responsibilities have been met (work, errands, exercise, et al).
I would recommend a classic "don't ask, don't tell" policy; however, it remains to be known (on my end) whether he's sensitive enough to know how to keep his hobby away from you (this may or may not sound considerate, but I don't ever smoke unless my fiancee is asleep, out shopping, or doing something separate from what we're doing together...dig it?). If your guy is capable of that, and keeping his 'thing' to himself while still sustaining a decent quality of life for both of you, then he's probably not really harming anyone, nor your relationship. On the other hand, if herb is causing him to screw up a lot and lose jobs and displace grocery money, then he's probably not worth getting permanently involved with.
I guess my point is that, on one hand, I can relate to your guy, and on the other, I can relate to you. I can't tell if he's the type to do well in the 'real world', but also like to chill out at night with a one hit or two. Personally, I fancy myself after the latter and still feel I will be a great husband, provider, and lover.
My point is that life together can exist for both of you. He just needs to understand your viewpoint and probably chill out with it. He can still 'get fine' without making such a prevalent thing (i.e. toking up right in front of you). I assume you have made your feelings known, so you shouldn't have to stand for that. I'm sorry for the rambling I've been doing, I just come from the other perspective, and I strongly feel that it should not be a show stopper in your relationship. If you see other telltale signs, then perhaps it's best to move on, but if you love him dearly, and this is his only flaw, then try to work it out.
Thanks,
Dan
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Answer #3
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I'm married to a man who uses Marijuana. Before I began to live with him, I discovered that he uses Marijuana. Then he was a good person. I asked him to quit. He tried to but he couldn't. We've been together 3 years. Even though he still uses it, he hasn't become a bad person. He likes to help me in everything in the house and he works. We had a daughter who is now 2 years old. Sometimes I'm afraid that he might change and could hurt his daughter or my son.
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Answer #4
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Yeah, you should go through with it. If you really love him, then do it. Not too many people I know want to give up smoking, it is fun. At least he cut back on it. Just don't let this ruin what could be a good thing.
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Answer #5
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If you love him, that's all you need to know. Why change what you already love? Do you think things will be "perfect" if he'd only quit smoking marijuana? If it makes him unhappy, how is that of benefit?
I don't know your background, but you don't mention why his smoking pot is a problem. Is it just because you don't like it? Is it because you've heard from the media that pot is "bad"? Is it because he's breaking the law?
My advice to you is to read as much as you can about pot. Not the War on Drugs propaganda, but information from the horse's mouth as it were. Search AltaVista or Google for pot-related pages. You might be surprised at what you learn.
Also, don't try to persuade your fiance to give up pot "just because". Identify exactly why you dislike his smoking pot - you mention one issue, about when you have children. Find out how he plans to deal with that situation. Make sure he appreciates how you feel, and make sure you appreciate how he feels, regardless of the outcome. If there is a real problem with him smoking pot, he should address it. If not, then why do you want him to quit, exactly? He's already met you half-way in reducing his intake. Don't forget that.
Pot smokers - because of the laws against it - belong to a very special segment of society. They think hard about laws in general - they refuse to obey a law just because it's there. They are generally very independent people. Rebels, in some ways. Imagine if something you enjoyed, which was harmless, was outlawed. Imagine if 5 million people were in jail for doing something you do every day. Think how you would feel about the legal system then. If you ask him to quit, and it's merely based on prejudices you've picked up from the media, expect him to argue against what you're saying.
If you can communicate with your fiance on this level, you should be able to work it out. If you can't communicate on this level, then perhaps marriage is not the best course of action.
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Answer #6
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| I have just read your question concerning what you should do about marrying your pothead boyfriend. I am in a similar situation. I have been with my boyfriend for two years. In the beginning, he smoked all day long. I didn't approve of it, but what can you do in the beginning. We developed into a serious relationship and moved in together. His habit decreased to maybe once a day, if that. I know he enjoys doing it, but I truly believe that he is addicted to it. He says he has smoked since he was 17, and he is now 27. That's a long time. I know his health is affected. He doesn't understand that what he does now affects me just as much as it does him. I never accepted drug abuse or any abuse for that matter.
Aside from his drug and alcohol use, he is perfect. How ridiculous does that sound? Those two things are a huge problem. And they will only get worse. We, you and I, have got to make our men understand that what they are doing is making us very unhappy. And love is about adding happiness to each other's lives. Not taking it away. There is so much I could say about this subject. And it is nice to have someone in the same situation to talk to. I hope you will respond to this soon.
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