Wow!!! Reading some of your responses made me have to put a lot more than two cents in. I am 26 years young and I too am addicted to weed, pot, marijuana, and whatever other name that I thought was cool to say at the time. I started my first puff when I was in high school (senior). But only once or twice at the most. It didn't bother me then. Meaning I didn't have the urge to do it again. It was two years later that I started to smoke on a regular basis. I was working for a lawn company and at first didn't have a problem saying no and watching the others puff. But after a while, I eventually took a hit. One puff led to another and another and another. I then bought my first dime bag--only for the weekends because I would get the free puffs at work. Then it led into needing to have it to be social with people I knew would smoke with me. I think that all started in the year of 96. It was fun, I must admit, only because I was single and lived with my parents. No worries, no commitments, just work that approved of what I did. Of course the dealer was a good friend of mine, so getting it was not a problem. So off I went. Smoking once or twice a day. A joint here. A pipe hit there. I even hit it out of a can if I needed to. Unbelievable. (I just read over what I've written and feel both disgusted and happy).

I had an ex-girlfriend that broke up with me a couple of days before the 1998 new years. It hurt only because I was getting dumped. That new years night I went out and had some fun at a party. My friend and I went for a drive after the party was over. By then, I had moved up to smoking Big Fat Blunts. I did one of those, "OK this will be my last blunt and I'm done for good." And it worked for about a month. And then right back to it I went. That urge of wanting to just chill got to me. I met a girl around January 98 that eventually would become my wife in September of 99. I tried several times to quit for her. But it didn't work. By then I had worked for another kind of company and I continued to smoke. I would get high before, during lunch, and after work. Taking, at most, two puffs so that I wouldn't come back with my eyes blitzed. Eye drops helped too. I even thought then that I knew I could control it. Even then, I knew in the good part of my self that I wanted to quit, but just couldn't do it.

I associated everything with smoking. Especially driving. It was called my chill ride. "I'll be right back. I'm going to chill." Those were my famous words. In the mornings I'd "wake and bake". Riding to work, I'd take a toke. Lunch time I would hit it. And after work, it would be my reward. I'd Get high as a mother fu--er. Can you tell that eventually it never was a social thing anymore? It became a need. I felt so cool smoking what would look like a Big Fat Cuban Cigar. Man I could and can wrap then good.

Just bear with me a little longer. I'm getting to where I am today. My wife and I had our first child together in February of 2000. My Millennium Baby. I even tried to stop for her. I did that, "This will be my last bag and that's that" thing. Guess what!!! That was my last bag of that day. But that next night I was back to it. Even when I was high, I knew that I wanted to stop. That's funny. When I was high. Maybe because I had what I wanted but I couldn't transfer that thought solidly when I wasn't high. Don't get me wrong, I also thought of stopping when I wasn't high, but not hard enough as when I was. Get my drift? I would even smoke knowing that my family is in the truck ready to go, but I just wanted those two puffs for the ride. My wife hated it. But she still put up with it. Smoking has even taken away from time with my parents. They knew when I was high. My Mom and Dad could tell the smell from a mile away. So at times I would get high and not go to see them because of the guilt that was inside of me. I hated the way it made me feel, the way my eyes would get, the way my head would feel. But I still continued to do it.

I'm sure you noticed I have been stating that I would, and did, and all that past tense stuff--well that's only because I stopped smoking exactly 2 weeks ago. My wife and I went out on a Saturday night. Towards the end of the night we had got into an argument. Not about my smoking. About my sometimes insecurities. And in all of those times that I have ever been insecure she was right there in my face telling me that I was the one for her and that I should get that through my thick selfish head. Now I can't tell you if it was the weed that made me upset or not. But I sure know that it didn't help. We made up and everything was fine except for one thing. I still was addicted to weed. And I knew it.

All the other times that I had tried to stop smoking I would tell my wife what was going to be planned. You know. The ol', "This will be my last...." thing. And she would look at me with a sarcastic face and say, "Yeah, we'll see." That bothered me. A lot!!! But she was right. But this time two weeks ago was a little different. On the way home I was getting ready for another quitting moment. I had a half a blunt left and half an ounce at the house. Some people would say, "Damn player, what a shi--y time to quit". But I had it in me to stop for some reason. MY SELF. I noticed two choices that I needed to decide from. Here's how it went.

While driving home, I knew that I didn't want to waste the weed. So.... I figured I would finish out the blunt and sell the rest of the half ounce that I had at home. That was the bad decision guy that sits on one of my shoulders. Then the good guy in me came out and sat right on top of my head instead of on the good side shoulder (you get that right?). If I really wanted to quit then that would make me stop at that point. Not after my, "OK this will be my last puff, then I'll stop." So on the ride home I kept all of this to MY SELF, not wanting to tell my wife because I knew what was to come if I did. But that didn't bother me. At this point I had to pull someone out of my self that I knew was there to begin with. So out he came. When I got home, I went inside with my wife. Went to my stash and went back outside to my truck to get the rest of the blunt. My wife was in the kitchen and I went into the downstairs bathroom and shut the door. I threw the half blunt into the toilet and dumped out the half ounce into the toilet also. I pissed on the sh-- (grass) and flushed it down the toilet. That was a big step for me. And I finally did it.

But it isn't over. I have to deal with the thought of smoking everyday. In the morning, at lunch, riding in my truck, going out with friends, right after dinner, and the list goes on and on. Now I'm dealing with the withdrawal. I prayed to God this past Thursday to forgive me for some of the things that I got aggravated for. I got pissed at people for stupid reasons. One woman was praying in a cafe with her family. She had her eyes closed and moving her head around and around with this REALLY BIG Smile. I felt at the time that it was too much. Other people in the cafe were looking at her also. But I didn't stop to realize that I was being selfish and rude. I didn't say anything to her. I just looked in disgust. Not knowing that the effects of the withdrawal were setting in. Any other time, I would have thought that that was a great sight to see. But this moment was getting to me because of not having what I needed. But I really did not have weed thoughts in my head. I truly believe it's the withdrawal factor.

That same night I went to a movie with my wife. While watching the movie, my wife had to go to the bathroom. As she got up to walk out I noticed a man notice her and he then got up to follow. I sensed that he only wanted to follow her. My wife sensed it too. She also saw what I saw. When leaving the movie towards the bathroom, she paused in the hall way. He was behind her and stated to her, "Where do WE go." As if he knew where she was headed. She was scared and did not want to go to the bathroom. I got up and followed him about 30 seconds after he got up. Instead of going to the bathroom she waited, scared that he would follow her into the women's bathroom. As she saw me coming out, she hugged me. I felt her frightened heart beating fast. This upset me. That's when she told me about what he had said to her. I followed her to the bathroom so she could go and gave the asshole a look of hate. I couldn't prove that his intentions were bad, but I still couldn't get it out of my mind that my wife was feeling uncomfortable.

We went back to the movie and I continued to eat my sunflower seeds and flicking the shell on to the wall, making a little tick sound. About my last seed, the man finally turned around and said, "Could you please stop that?" I looked at him and said, "You're lucky, that was my last one." As I threw the bag to the floor. All this because I felt he made my wife feel uncomfortable. I couldn't let it go. When the movie was done we went our separate ways. Now again, I don't know if he really was being a pervert or not. But I felt like I wanted that confrontation.

This all, I feel has to deal with getting the weed out of my system. Last night was the last straw of me knowing that I need to talk about this withdrawal problem. My wife and I got into an argument. Something silly. But I couldn't drop the subject no matter how hard I tried. Boy was this an eye opener. I was so upset that I didn't even want to ride home with her. I wanted her to kiss my ass for something that was silly. It was so silly I won't even talk about it. I ended up walking in the middle of a highway using my cell phone to call my dad to pick me up. When my mom heard about the issue, she nailed the problem right on the head. She knew I hadn't smoked. Mom's know best don't they?

I was so upset, that my wife and I talked about divorce. Yelling back and forth. That was last night. I woke up this morning wishing that that was all a dream. My wife somewhat accepted my apology around 4 in the am. And we slept on it. This morning I called my mom and we had a great talk about controlling my feelings and telling me to look at a situation like the phrase I'm going to give now. She gave this bit of info: "If you knew that tomorrow were the last day of your life, would what happened yesterday Really matter?" When I got off the phone with her I knew that I needed some more ammunition. So that's when I went on the internet looking for help and ways to organize my thoughts and frustrations in a better way. Like everything else, this will pass. Like another chapter in my life. But my ultimate goal is to be the best Daddy to my Daughter and my step Son. To be the best Husband to my Wife. To be a better Son to my Parents. And to be a better Friend to my Friends. Who ever has read this, I hope that it can help you or someone you know as it has helped me to type it. I WILL become a better person from this. I WILL beat the withdrawal effect. I WILL beat this addiction. Thanks for listening (in a way).

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