A lot of times I hate my body, I really do. I rarely go out and I don't ever take off my shirt for any reason. I don't wear t-shirts and I don't wear shorts. I always wear some form of jacket just to cover myself.

I don't care if its 120 degrees, I will not take off my shirt, not even at the beach whenever I get forced by friends to go, which I really hate. I used to smoke, yeah maybe it's a form of depression intake but whatever. I stopped smoking going on 2 months now, after being a smoker for 15 years.

Every time I go to a club I see guys with great bodies, (NO I'm not gay) but that's not the factor here. I like the way they look. I'm a grown man inside a child's body and I'm hating myself more and more each day. Friends of mine stand next to me and people think I'm on cocaine because I'm so damn thin and all my friends look great and have a man's body.

I'm planning on starting to use steroids of some sort but doing my research first and reading a lot on the net every chance I get. I don't want miracles overnight. I'm willing to wait for results even if it takes 6 months to a year for results to come. I just want some results after a year.

I eat tuna casseroles, potatoes, rice, eggs, oatmeal, fruits & veggies, bread, nutrient drinks, 4 cups of water a day, OJ and vitamins. And none of what I have tried works. I've eaten 6 meals a day for 2 years and not a single thing happened.

I'm looking for some guidance as to what to do, as I am gathering info for starting to take steroids. As far as little balls, well I really don't care, because I have only been with 2 women in my 36 years of living. So it's not likely I'm gonna have models chasing after me. This is not for girls only though. It's for me too. I wanna be able to take off my shirt at the beach or at the Hamptons which I never get to go to because the way I look.

And please don't give me the bull---- about you must love yourself first crap. Because I still feel like s--- when I take off my shirt, so that is a PHAT CHANCE that I will take it off in some beach, park or pool. I just wanna feel and look good...I want people to look at me and say, Wow the guy looks great and athletic and healthy.

Because the real truth of life is that everything revolves around looks. People judge other people because of their looks. If you don't look happy or look athletic, people automatically think that you're a lowlife and on drugs and not a good person. This is life and it's been that way since the dawn of time, which is a total shame. It is also at work. People get better jobs if they look better than people who don't. Do you think a girl is going to go out with a man that looks like a twinkie or a man who looks like he will make a woman feel safe?

I'm a Nightclub DJ, and I hide myself in the DJ booth all the time. I finish my work and run home. All night I see guys with great bodies and I stare and ask myself why I can't be something like that. I don't want to look like King Kong. I just want a nice athletic body with a man's muscles. When people look at me, I want them to say to themselves, this guy is no joke and looks strong and he is not a wimp because he doesn't look like a wimp.

I've tried weight gainers, special drinks, nutrition bars of all kinds for over 4 years and nothing. Damn, I eat 6 to 8 pints of ice cream a month. I do anything to try to at least gain another 30 to 45 lbs just so I could look a little heavy. I'm not saying fat, you know exactly what I mean, just physically fit and not underweight.

Many times I just cry in the middle of the night because I hate my body so much. Sometimes, I just want to throw myself of a building. I get tired of people treating me like crap all the time just because I look very underweight and not full of muscles.

Here is a situation that happened to me once. I walked to a club where I'm supposed to DJ and the bouncer just totally treated me like crap, shoving me like I don't even exist. I gave him all the respect but no respect was given back. He picked me up and actually threw me across the street, but let all the athletic guys and curvy girls in.

He kept shoving me, I landed hard on my back. I kept telling him, I'm supposed to DJ that night on the main floor and nothing. I instead got hit again and tossed like a rag. And all I kept thinking was if I was just 170 lbs and full of muscles I bet he would not do that.

Another situation...I was at McDonald's ordering, and this guy just walks up and looks at me. He was more husky than me, 6' tall and looked like he lifted weights for a long time. He then says move bony and shoves me while I'm in the middle of ordering. What can I do? Nothing, because I'm smaller than him and don't have the strength to handle him if I wanted to. People were laughing and a girl was laughing and I'm sitting on my ass on the floor embarrassed.

So it goes to show you that if you don't look a certain way, people step all over you. People have more respect for other people who look bigger, because they know they can't abuse them due to them getting their butts kicked.

There's always a solution for people who want to lose weight, what about people with my type of problem. The only thing out there is steroids because everything has failed. Everybody turns their backs when I ask about steroids, but I will find what I need, I promise you that much, no matter what. With or without your help, I'm gonna get it because I have nothing else to lose.

I have no life as it is. So this would be an improvement for me. I'm looking for someone who REALLY knows what they are doing and knows how to take them and guide me and take me under their wing, and help me build a better life and body...that's all I want out of life.

If I had one wish this would be it.